Get Cozy

This past Fall, the Bird couple moved into my gazebo – an unpaid rental of the top floor. It comes with as a nice Master bedroom with the add-on nursery featured atop the fan.

My wife (who I love dearly), was aghast at my initial attempt to evict weeks before. I disassembled their furniture, removed their belongings, and thought I was done with it. How wrong I was.

The Birds returned and claimed “squatters rights” while we were on vacation. Brand new bedding and accompanying furnishings were all back in place. My wife (who I love dearly), forbade me from taking any action – legal or otherwise, taking pity on these freeloaders.

And then… the Birds welcomed three asshole kids into the fold. Unto itself, I’m all for families procreating – did so myself in fact. But doing so while squatting, is just plain irresponsible. Now, their unprotected sex had suddenly become my responsibility? Really?

Here’s the cherry: The Birds were pigs.

The gas table (main floor, open concept), was taking daily loads of bird shit, bird puke, feather bombs, and whatever other white fluid these things produce. It was bad with just the parents – at least I thought the father was still there. It turned out to be yet another single mother left to cope with circumstances she just wasn’t prepared for. And triplets to boot! It was a fecal storm rivaling only Coachella on the last day.

The question became: My wife (again, very fond of) promised to deal with the mess until their kids left the nest. Clearly, leaving the Soft Scrub on the deck was not a clue the Birds picked up on. I bided my time, but wondered how long should I wait before reminding my wife (a total catch) that bird shit is acidic, and will permanently damage the gas table if not addressed? The answer was immaterial, as the nest was vacated soon thereafter by the adults and two of the kids – leaving but one orphan to fend for itself.

The topic of adoption was raised. Thankfully, with a little encouragement, the little guy cleared the nest wall and soared over the fence to seek love and adventure elsewhere.

By having to disassemble the ceiling fan, scrub the fins and cage, and the gas table top – my wife is now in full agreement that all signs of future squatters will be dealt with immediately. Nature beware.