Get Cozy

Like many “self-taught technologists”, I have found playing around with the various Artificial Intelligence tools to be a great time waster. It’s definitely hit and miss, but when it hits the mark it can be very cool. Some of my articles have taken full advantage of this “new thing” – after all, it’s not like I have a staff, or any graphic artistry at my disposal.

Touring around the Web, it is obvious that large media companies have recently abandoned what used to be an important part of their brand and user experience – graphic art and photography. Taken on its own, this is a very sad reality for those talented folks who invested heavily in that skill set. But in the larger picture, these shortcuts have resulted in incredibly lazy production, and sophomoric presentation. It’s not all awful, but I’ve selected some actual website imagery, mostly used for ads, from a collection of major news sites online (CNN, FoxNews, ABC News, ESPN, BuzzFeed, and others) that can only be described as absurd. Enjoy!

“Retire at a beach, and take a jetski to that formal engagement!”

Hey – that sounds like a blast. Who wouldn’t want to do this? I’ve seen a lot of weirdness in my travels, but I can honestly say I’ve never seen ANYBODY riding a jetski in a cocktail dress and diamond necklace – much less an alleged “retiree”. I do recall James Bond doing something like that in a tuxedo, I think? Anyway – kudos to this free-spirited woman. Let’s hope she didn’t wear dark panties under that dress – might make for an awkward entrance.

“Ten Foot Tall Woman Helps An Installer”

Helga the Giantess is helpfully supporting Juan, her contractor, install new gutters. I have questions…

• Where does Helga buy her clothes?
• Why is Juan wearing a reflective vest – does he think it’s nighttime?
• Why does Juan have no tools in his tool belt
• Does installing gutters require the contractor to wipe down the ladder as others hold the gutters?
• This looks more like a sitcom idea that didn’t make it to pilot

“Twin Doctors Still Allow Mother To Dress Them”

Worth noting that I pulled both of these images off the same page, of the same major website. LAZY! It would seem these two learned doctors attended the same conference to do competing TED Talks on gastrointestinal topics. The guy on the left went with a more basic prop strategy, which looks like four cupcake-shaped eggs, whereas the other brother went with the iPad. I’m not sure how all those people gathered around that tiny device to watch how bananas work their way from the stomach to the rectum. In fact, it’s probably best that wasn’t up on a huge screen. I never did click on either image to discover the great mysteries of eggs and bananas, but I did appreciate how wisdom is best served up whilst wearing a 1920’s woolen vest.

“Senior Singles… Yup”

As a 59-year-old, I get that all the algorithms steer any content targeting “seniors” my way through cookies and vaccine-implanted nanobots. We all know that. What is funny, however, is that ALL of those dating site ads feature ladies like the one above. Of course there are ladies looking for sugar daddies. Hell there’s one who was very successful in that endeavor in the White House as we speak. But what about those sexy older ladies that aren’t getting enough love? Where do they get some shoutouts? Oh wait, does this ad mean high school seniors? Nevermind.

“Wow, How Did They Do That?”

This isn’t an ad, but something that a shocking number of commenters online honestly believed was real. These are babies, standing unsupported on a raised railway tie, wearing beautifully fitted vegetable hats and skirts, and standing perfectly aligned. We can agree that many Asian cultures value strict child-rearing techniques and early development… but come on. Stay focused people!

“Beautiful Injured Soldier Needs Money – STAT!”

I have to admit this one kinda pisses me off. I’ve seen this image used to generate clicks for a few charities, and even a couple of GoFundMe campaigns. It’s not like there is a shortage of veterans who have sustained actual injuries in overseas combat in the last several years. Yet, instead, let’s just generate an AI image, make her 17 years old, with a camouflage mini skirt, and knee-high “whatever the hell those boots are”. I’m sure many will click, and some may even get scammed – but hot tip for all of us, if the eyes are as screwed up as this fake girl’s are, just keep on scrolling.

“This Puppy Is About To Die – Keep Filming!”

Imagine the luck – just taking pics of your brand new puppy when a BALD EAGLE STROLLS RIGHT UP TO IT! OH MY GOD!” But then, you notice this is all happening on a rural highway. Why is there a dog on the highway? Wait a second, this might be a fake! Sigh.

“So, What Are These Mistakes Regarding?”

I suppose this is what happens when you could only afford to pay a writer to provide two sentences of messaging in a five sentence block. So anyway, there are some mistakes everyone makes when withdrawing retirement funds, y’all. Listen up.

“YAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHH!”

What in the name of all that is holy are those things. It’s odd, I always thought dust mites were tiny little buggers. But in the world of AI, mites will suffocate you while you sleep and steal your watch. Side note – that person might already be dead, or at least catatonic after a ketamine overdose. This is the stuff of nightmares.

“Finally, Some Accuracy!“

For this image I asked Google’s Monica platform to “generate typical fake Christian grifter douchebags, who defrauded the American government of over $30M, got sentenced to jail for it, and then got pardoned by President Trump after donating over $1M to his campaign”. Stunning accuracy! May they both get dust mites in their noses.