As it turns out, if your only qualification to be named to Donald Trump’s Cabinet is fealty to the President, you may not be the best person for the job.
After all, wasn’t it the MAGA faithful who demanded a meritocracy? Was it not those same people yowling about DEI destroying productivity in government and the private sector? Who knew that all it took to make a mockery of government was to promote the loudest MAGA voices in the room, who’s incompetence now threatens America’s standing on multiple fronts at home and abroad.
Let’s take a step back and consider this clown car of sycophants and their accomplishments to date:
Pete Hegseth – Secretary of Defense via FoxNews
Setting the gold standard for screw-ups, Hegseth has wasted no time at all proving his detractors correct all along – that his lack of experience managing more than three people might be challenging in a department of 3.4 million employees. This is especially true if you are concurrently trying to dry out from an alcohol dependency, and have an insatiable desire to prove to your family and friends how important you are (SignalGate). Mere weeks after being appointed, his first hires have not only quit the agency, but have gone public with how woefully inadequate Hegseth is, and insisting he should step down post haste. Great start, Pete! What will you do as an encore in the NEXT 90 days?
Robert F. Kennedy Junior, HHS Secretary, via Planet Zoltan
In RFKJ’s defense, a brain worm has consumed a portion of his cranial matter, as reported by RFKJ himself. Traditionally, the Secretary of Health and Human Services has been lead by a medically accredited professional. In this case, Bobby’s literature and American history degree, along with his law degree, were deemed entirely sufficient. A recovering heroin addict, Bobby became interested in environmental sustainability, and earned praise in those pursuits. Somewhere along the way, Bobby suddenly became an expert on vaccines, and a not-small-number of people didn’t seem to mind he had no training on the subject. He became the foremost proponent of vaccines being more harmful than good, and the reward for America is that measles has made a triumphant comeback in the South! Polio eagerly awaits what’s next on the RFKJ agenda.
Kash Patel, FBI Director, via Home Shopping Network
Kash is quite a catch. He was an early advocate for the QAnon conspiracy cult during the 2015-2016 campaign, pushing those followers to believe that Democrat leaders were “lizard people” who trafficked children for sex, and drank the blood of infants for immortality. I wish I were joking. Kash was too extreme for Trump’s Cabinet in 2016, so he spent the next several years hawking Trump and Kash merchandise online, and making lists of people he would imprison or execute if Trump were to ever get back in power. Once appointed as Head of FBI and temporary Head of ATF, he was removed as head of the latter because he forgot to go to work there for 60 days. Since then, he’s been caught using the FBI’s jets for personal use – to visit his girlfriend in Nashville, to attend UFC fights, and to sit with Wayne Gretzky at NHL hockey games. Good stuff all around.
Howard Lutnick, Secretary of Commerce, via the 7th Circle of Hell
If you were the CEO of a company who’s offices were at the top of the 1 World Trade Center on 9/11, all employees of which perished in the attack, and the only reason you didn’t die with them was because your son missed his school bus, how would you live the rest of your days? If you are Howard Lutnick, you would resurface as the face of the government who actively mocks those on social security, and calls anyone who complains about missing SS checks “fraudsters“. You would also repeatedly be in breach of the Hatch Act, grossly promoting specific stocks to purchase on television, and advocating for the enrichment of his friends. Howard is apparently not a big fan of “pay it forward”.
Linda McMahon, Department of Education, via World Wrestling Federation
Linda was oddly excited about getting named to the Department Trump campaigned on destroying. Since taking the office, Linda went to work firing over 50% of all staff. Clearly, her 1970 French degree, and zero experience in anything associated with public education, are real assets. Recently, she touted major advancements in “A1” for some K-12 educational programs. The statement sent journalists scrambling for what “A1” was, only to discover Linda was referring to A.I., which in hindsight made much more sense. It is anticipated that Linda won’t be asked to comment on this topic very much going forward, instead focusing on the destruction of public education and the scourge of diversity and inclusion programs that push empathy and understanding.
Tulsi Gabbard, Director of National Intelligence, via the KGB
Tulsi is a fun one. She grew up in an actual religious cult in Hawaii, and still has ties to it. For years, Tulsi has advocated for the Russian position, on practically everything. This includes her infamous support for Syria’s butcher president, Bashar al-Assad, even after the UN confirmed he gassed his own people. But, Assad was an ally of Vlad Putin, so you do what you are paid to do, amiright?
Russian state TV has featured her speeches prominently on their newscasts, and proudly called her “their girl” in the White House, once she was appointed. Multiple analysts on both sides of the aisle in America have called her a Russian asset, and compromised. In response, Trump put her in charge of America’s national intelligence apparatus, which makes perfect sense.
Elon Musk, Overlord, via Money
True, Elon is not in a Cabinet position. But, come on.
The most powerful position in Trump’s inner circle, for now, is whatever Elon wants to call it. But let’s start with a psychoanalysis of Elon’s family situation.
Elon’s dad has had two children with his step-daughter in South Africa. This would make Elon’s step-sister his stepmom, and I imagine there is a lot of drama around Christmastime in that household. Elon himself now has 14 children from 4 different women, and so far none of those mothers appear to be the child of a former wife – so that’s progress.
After spending $257M to get Trump elected (thank you Citizens United!), Elon has been rewarded with billions of dollars in government contracts, surprisingly not earmarked for cutbacks under the DOGE mandate. Elon appears to have sacrificed his sacred cow – Tesla – because his other companies, Starlink and SpaceX, are about to make out like bandits.
Now, if I were were a shareholder of Tesla stock, this would concern me greatly, and under any other circumstance would trigger a shareholder lawsuit against Elon on fiduciary grounds. These are not normal times, of course, and Elon is not likely to last in government beyond May-June of this year. It’s back to taking credit for other peoples’ accomplishments for Elon.
That is quite a list. We aren’t exactly “sending our best” to Washington. But if there’s ever a revival of Fantasy Island, this would be an excellent all star cast for the premier.
Get Cozy 
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